(Book Summaries By ENTALE)- All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks

Feminist scholar bell hooks boldly declares love as the most important transformational force in patriarchal societies

All About Love: New Visions by the infamous black, radical feminist author bell hooks was published over 20 years ago. In it, back in the year 2000, hooks noted how despite speaking, singing, and making art about love- the culture was extremely cynical about love. The longing for love was referred to more often than not. Now in 2023, it’s hard to imagine that things are not even more bleak than what hooks felt prompted to comment on over two decades ago. Not a day goes by that we aren’t inundated with adversarial and negative content about sex and relationships. Unfortunately, our beloved hooks is no longer here to give us her thoughts on the endless podcasts and video blogs detailing people’s hostility towards, mistrust, and skepticism of love. But thankfully, she left behind this little book, on which I will now share my 3 key notes:

Small Talk 1: Care vs. Love

In speaking of new visions of love, a redefinition is in order.

When most people refer to love, particularly romantic love, they’re referring to care or affectionate feelings. In the care of our mothers, we come to associate love with attention, affection, or getting physical and emotional needs met. hooks notes that with this limited understanding, it’s difficult for most people to develop a deeper understanding of love. The hyperfocus on love as affectionate feelings or the meeting of immediate needs often means that people meting out abuse or who are on the receiving end of abuse and neglect are able to persist in the false notion that they are in a love relationship.

Citing psychologists, theorists, and spiritual teachers, hooks offers a new definition of love: the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.

With such a definition of love, hooks anticipates that we are more equipped to identify when we are being offered attention, care, and affection but not love. The person in an abusive relationship will be able to identify that despite sporadic acts of care and the presence of affectionate feelings- they face profound neglect or violence toward their inner growth, well-being, and spiritual flourishing. The person with the best intentions of being loving may recognize that despite their efforts- they may have merely offered care or concern but failed to extend themselves in such a way that the spiritual growth and flourishing of their partners, family members, and children is supported.

Small Talk 2- Greed and Power

For hooks, the culture’s normalization of lying, dishonesty, and preoccupation with material gains and social power inhibit the flourishing of love.

She notes that in a patriarchal society, the dominant social position of hetero males encourages them to lie, cheat and engage in treachery without the fear of many consequences, with many men having sexist notions that women are gullible and thus, feel entitled to withhold the truth from intimate partners when it suits their interests. Likewise, the subordinate position of hetero women nurtures a tendency to lie and engage in dishonesty to get love or their material needs met by men. With the pressure to conform to stereotyped and unequal gender roles that promote dishonesty- truly loving relationships are hard to create.

Furthermore, hook asserts that a culture of narcissism is not one where love can flourish. In a patriarchal society, an ethic of dominance prevails along with the tools of domination- material goods and social power. With cultures of domination being defined by fear, both women and men are motivated by fear to acquire as many material goods and social resources as possible so that they may insulate themselves from the ruthless climate of violence and cruelty that defines patriarchal societies. This preoccupation with the hoarding of material goods and social resources causes us to see our fellow human beings as objects or mere means to the end of material and status gain.

Within a love ethic, we engender feelings of hope, faith, and compassion. We create loving instead of fear-based images and narratives in society, challenge patriarchal paradigms of domination/subordination, and treat others with regard for their human souls and the fact that they have inherent value.

Small Talk 3- Love in Community

For hooks, communities are ideal places to learn love. Patriarchal social norms in the Western world prompt people to ignore and neglect the community of extended family that live outside the home. hooks suggests that by expanding the concept of family to include extended kin and relatives, we combat isolation in the nuclear household- where mothers only rely on fathers for support and children only rely on mothers. hooks note that such isolated family units make individuals vulnerable to neglect and abuse as less shared emotional and physical resources are available.

For those not lucky enough to have extended family members they can count on, good friendships are another way to experience community. Mutual growth through sharing, communicating, and honesty is at the core of love.

In the context of romantic relationships, gendered stereotypes contained within masculine and feminine social roles inhibit mutual growth, where men are taught to provide material comforts but not develop capacities for emotional caregiving and women are taught to nurture and provide emotional caring but inhibit their development and their expression of their own emotional needs and independence. When partners give to each other generously so that both have their spiritual needs met, there is shared growth and nurturing in the love relationship. 

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Thank you for reading this Small Talk by ENTALE! Let us know what you thought of this summary at entalenewsletter@gmail.com and comment below on what aspect most resonated with you. I’m also open to psychology and personal development book suggestions you’d like to see for future summaries. Bye for now!